Type:
As a child I can remember there were massive differences between my maternal and paternal grandparents. My paternal grandparents hardly ever said a cross word at one another—I don’t recall them ever having a fight. Maybe they were good actors, or maybe I didn’t visit them enough and they fought when I wasn’t around. The same can’t be said, however, for my maternal grandparents. They loved each other dearly but were never shy of verbal fencing! One time my brother and I were sitting in the back of the car while my grandparents bickered about which way was the best way to go. They became quite animated and loud. My brother and I sank into the seat and watched the fireworks. At one point, my grandfather yelled, “Well, if you think you know the best way, then you drive!” He quickly pulled over, got out, and walked to the other side of the car. Without missing a beat, my grandmother said, “Yes! Fine!” She got out and dropped into the driver’s seat and we were off! All the while my brother and I sat wide-eyed and slack-jawed in the back of the car. Now before I continue, let me make one important point. In all of the fireworks between my grandparents, I can safely say that it was all volume and not a single instance of violence. My grandparents never raised a finger at one another—not a single hand or frying pan took off in angered flight.
As a pastor, I’ve had people express to me concern that they engage in this type of loud verbal fighting. My response to this issue is threefold. First, I always encourage people not to fight. Paul calls us to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit, which includes patience and self-control among other Christian virtues. Second, I tell couples that if they do fight, they should make every effort to resolve the disagreement in a Christian manner. If you’ve wronged someone, own it, seek forgiveness, and make things right. If you’ve been wronged, pray for God’s grace so that you’ll be willing to forgive. Third, don’t fret if you fight. There’s a sense in which a fight is a sign of a healthy marriage. It means that the husband and wife care about things to the point that they’re willing fight about it. It’s good to have fire in one’s belly. What’s necessary is the gospel-given ability to channel that fire towards a godly expression of it rather than a sinful one.
I tell couples that they should not, therefore, fear fire in their marriage. They must certainly control it, but not fear it. What they should fear, however, is ice. When I’ve counseled married couples and I find that there’s no fighting or that one person has checked out and refuses to fight, then I become greatly concerned. Ice can be poison to a marriage because it means apathy and indifference have set in. In other words, one or both people have already quit—they are basically living separate lives even though they live under the same roof. By his grace God can rekindle love in a frigid marriage, but I think ice is a greater danger than fire.
Pray, therefore, against sloth and indifference in your marriage. Don’t give up. Pray that Christ would enable you to love and care for your spouse. If the passions of anger well up within you, pray that Christ would help you exercise self-control. If you’re a pastor, know that ice is a bigger problem than fire, but be diligent to counsel married couples against both dangers.
